The Occasional Solipsist

I watched Wil Wheaton on CSI last night and it was odd afterwards talking about it with my wife. I realized while we were talking that I felt proud of him for his accomplishment. I identify with this guy for a couple of reasons, some more meaningful than others.

First because we are close in age, and in interests. He's an avid gamer, writer and has a fairly sarcastic sense of humour that anybody who knows me well enough for me to let them know, is just like me.

But more than that he is a person who has tried very hard to deal with the demons of past mistakes, and reconcile the life and happiness he now enjoys with the long, strange trip it took to get there. This is where my identification really kicks in.

I think about (and talk, and blog) causality a lot. More than is healthy, probably. I think about it because I know that the sum of my life as I know it is described by the circumstances I've been in, and the choices I've made on the way to this point. All of them, and particularly the 'bad' ones. And its funny, because I like to think that there are so many things that I would change about my life if I had a do-over, but knowing what I do about the causality of my life, would I really change anything at all?

Would I really?

Because if I changed any of the things that had any meaningful influences on the course of my life I wouldn't be where I am today, be with the person I want to spend the remainder of me life, be expecting my first child, be at peace with myself. Well, most of the time.

So I identify with Wil because he's the same guy. He spent years torturing himself over the decision to leave a popular tv show in the hopes of a brighter future that never materialized. Even went so far as to label the voices in his head, most prominently 'Prove To Everyone The Quitting Star Trek Wasn't A Mistake'. I have yet to name my voices to you, but believe me they are in here. All of them. But because Wil is content with where he is now with almost all facets of his life (except how the acting is going), he can no longer afford to look back and bemoan the choices he made to get thus far.

And in that sense, I'm him, or he's me, or whatever.

I love my life right now. I have never been closer with my wife. I have finally freed myself from the self-imposed torturous relationship I maintained with my father for years, a relationship I truly feel that I carried single-handedly simply out of my need to have any relationship at all with that particular genetic benefactor. I have a son or daughter on the way, and I can hardly describe the wealth of emotions (almost entirely good) that stem from that whole thing. I'll write a book someday. So other than my professional life, I am really pleased with myself. Just like Wil.

So because of all that I have to covet from that other me that would have had things turn out differently, I can look at the course of my life and the many, many poor choices and say

'What the fuck is the problem? Every stupid thing I've ever done and every bonehead choice I've ever made led me here. And I like here. And me. So all those wrong choices had to be right.'

But it still gave me a real sense of pride to see that now that Wil has exorcised the demons of his past, the acting thing is working itself out more or less on its own. So maybe the same can happen for me someday, too.

Labels: everything else, star trek