The Occasional Solipsist

Last week I plagiarized the hate-mail correspondence sent to tshirthell.com, along with the hilarious editor's replies.

I think it likely that the good folks (actually the twisted, cynical folks - my kind of folks) at T-Shirt Hell would tend to frown on people republishing their email correspondence. But then, I posted it because it was just so damn funny, and has made me want to buy many more of their t-shirts, so maybe they'd be cool with it.

So, having just received the latest newsletter from them, I now feel compelled to post even more of their email hilarity:

----- Original Message -----

From: Kara B.
To: info@tshirthell.com
Sent: Friday, November 04, 2005 11:21 AM
Subject: FYI

I LOVE most of your products! Heck, I was going to do most of my xmas shopping here. My cart was filled with $270 worth of shirts (not including
S&H) but you just had to ruin it for me!! I went back to look for one more and ran across you Autistic Kids Rock Shirt! Assholes. I am the PROUD mom of an autistic child. We did not chose this, they did not chose this!! I will take my business and cash elsewhere until that shirt is taken down!! It really dissapoints me, cause I did like the shirts I picked out! Guess I won't be getting them and you won't be featured in my weekly column! That's a shame!
Regards!

Kara

Kara, proud mother of a child damaged by mercury.
Cure Autism NOW!

(Editor's Note: Fuck you and your $270 order. Fuck you and your "weekly
column". We make millions and millions of dollars every year. I spend
$270 a day on my morning tea. I have a single cup hand brewed from rare herbs mixed with the tears of lost children. I'm sorry I've never heard of you or your weekly column. I can't believe we have lost not just your gigantic order, but the potential orders of both of your loyal readers.
Please be sure and send me a copy of your community newsletter, club circular, or the link to your LiveUrinal account that it appears in. I'm always looking for something new and interesting to use to wipe my ass. I love your signature. It's always funny to see what people have as a point of pride. Why would you be proud your child was damaged by Mercury? And what was your kid doing on Mercury in the first place? Children and space exploration don't mix. It's simply irresponsible parenting. And what's the deal with ending your letter, "cure autism now!" I'll cure autism when I'm good and ready! I was going to cure it next week, but now you've pissed me off. Now I may not cure it for another few years, or maybe not ever. That will be on your head, not mine.)


----- Original Message -----

From: tandra d.
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:25 AM
Subject: disgusting

this t shirt is down right degrading and disgusting.............why would you be so ignorant as that to down grade our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ....SHAME ON YOU.

tandra d.

(Editor's Note: Presently, we have about a half dozen shirts that are degrading, disgusting, and down grade your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
So, while I applaud your charming use of alliteration, it is hard to know how to respond to this when you are so vague about which particular shirt offended you. As Judas once said to Jesus, "I know you're going to be crucified, but lighten up." Tandra, take that cross out of your ass and enjoy life and learn to laugh a bit. Your devotion should be a source of joy, not anger. I've found that a good set of rosary beads can double as ben wa balls. That way it's good for you and for the Lord. Shame on me?
Jesus didn't believe in judging people so how dare you judge me. Do you think you're better than Jesus? Well you're wrong. Because me, and all of my friends who are better than Jesus discussed it, and agreed that you're not.)


----- Original Message -----

From: Girlygirl*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, October 17, 2005 2:22 PM
Subject: blacks shouldnt be any different from whites

i think it is wrong to just surpose that all blacks will become crimanls.
there are also white crimanls then if u locked up whites our world would be nothing. a lot of blacks and whites are close and some even family. so i think that it was just wrong to think of this. so i think they should never had proght it up.

Sincerenly,
a person with her own opinion

(Editor's Note: Girlygirl, this may be the most profound statement on race
relations since Sir Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder wrote, "Ebony and Ivory" in 1982. Truly, you are one of the great thinkers of our time. You should get to work right away on solving world hunger, and figuring out why Larry King is still on the air. But seriously, you're an idiot. Did you know that shotguns taste like candy canes? Put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger for an extra blast of minty goodness!)


----- Original Message -----

From: "Zack P."
Sent: Friday, November 04, 2005 3:47 PM
Subject: your shirts

I'm a big fan of your shirts, but almost all of them have sex and drugs and curse words on them. Now, I'm not protesting these, because your shirts crack me up, but I was wondering if you could make some more shirts that would be in the school dress code. I love offending people, but I don't want to get in trouble.
Just a thought. Thanks.

Zack

(Editor's Note: Hey Zack, thanks for the suggestion. I understand your concern. If I was a big pussy like you I would also be concerned about getting in trouble. But you clearly have your priorities screwed up. You like our shirts, which is a good start. But you seem to think going to school is about getting an education. Going to school is about getting as much ass as possible. And I'm not talking about the fat girls in the drama club or those whores in the marching band: I'm talking pretty, popular girls; and the dirty sluts who smoke and like to party. If you want to bang the really hot chicks in your school, you want to start developing a reputation as a rebel. It is important that you start getting in trouble, and wearing offensive t-shirts is just the start. They might get you suspended, but you really want to get expelled. I suggest random acts of violence and vandalism. Just make sure your hijinks doesn't land you in jail. If you end up in jail you won't be getting ass, you'll be giving it.
Good luck.)

Labels: funny