and the winter melancholy sets in
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I am feeling old tonight.
I was laying in the bath earlier and was listening to my daughter throw a spectacular tantrum out in the living room with Superwife. And I just felt old. I know that I am not that old to have a two year old daughter, but sometimes I am older than I'd like to be with one.
Earlier today Trin threw a similar tantrum while Superwife was trying to take her out of her carseat and ended up smacking herself so hard in the lip on the car door that she cut herself. It wasn't Superwife's fault at all, but I was so paralyzed when it happened.
I guess tonight I kind of wish that we had Trin years ago, when I was only marginally less stupid than I am now. I am comforted by the fact that causality would have demanded that we had a totally different child then the one we have in the here and now, but I have been thinking lately of how old I will be when certain milestones in my daughter's life are reached. First day of school, driver's test, high school graduation, first boyfriend. And yes it will happen in that order, if me and my shotgun have anything to say about it. I am also comforted by the fact that Superwife is the awesome Mom that she is. I love my little girl more than I love myself, and being the narcissist that I am, that is saying a lot. But I don't have the patience that Superwife does, and she is so good with our little girl that I feel like such a pretender by comparison.
I don't think this melancholy has anything to do with the changing of the year, but I suppose if I think about it long enough, I could make a connection. I just feel old in my bones tonight. Maybe its the fact that the holiday season is over and there's not much to look forward to between now and warm weather except for a little ice fishing. Maybe its that I feel like at my age, it might be better to have more security at work than I do now. But I have only my decision to switch careers a few years ago to blame for that one. Maybe its a recurrence of the financial pressure of being the only bread-winner in the family. But maybe I just know that I won't be around forever, and when the end does come, hopefully 70 years or so from now, I am going to want to have had more time with the people that matter to me.
Or maybe I am just having a periodic attack of melodrama and I need to lighten the fuck up.
I was laying in the bath earlier and was listening to my daughter throw a spectacular tantrum out in the living room with Superwife. And I just felt old. I know that I am not that old to have a two year old daughter, but sometimes I am older than I'd like to be with one.
Earlier today Trin threw a similar tantrum while Superwife was trying to take her out of her carseat and ended up smacking herself so hard in the lip on the car door that she cut herself. It wasn't Superwife's fault at all, but I was so paralyzed when it happened.
I guess tonight I kind of wish that we had Trin years ago, when I was only marginally less stupid than I am now. I am comforted by the fact that causality would have demanded that we had a totally different child then the one we have in the here and now, but I have been thinking lately of how old I will be when certain milestones in my daughter's life are reached. First day of school, driver's test, high school graduation, first boyfriend. And yes it will happen in that order, if me and my shotgun have anything to say about it. I am also comforted by the fact that Superwife is the awesome Mom that she is. I love my little girl more than I love myself, and being the narcissist that I am, that is saying a lot. But I don't have the patience that Superwife does, and she is so good with our little girl that I feel like such a pretender by comparison.
I don't think this melancholy has anything to do with the changing of the year, but I suppose if I think about it long enough, I could make a connection. I just feel old in my bones tonight. Maybe its the fact that the holiday season is over and there's not much to look forward to between now and warm weather except for a little ice fishing. Maybe its that I feel like at my age, it might be better to have more security at work than I do now. But I have only my decision to switch careers a few years ago to blame for that one. Maybe its a recurrence of the financial pressure of being the only bread-winner in the family. But maybe I just know that I won't be around forever, and when the end does come, hopefully 70 years or so from now, I am going to want to have had more time with the people that matter to me.
Or maybe I am just having a periodic attack of melodrama and I need to lighten the fuck up.
posted by raistlinsghost at 1/03/2008 01:03:00 AM
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